why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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