and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize