my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize