they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
