i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
