I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
