A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
