I can text with my tongue
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
