when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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