Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
