your parents love me but you hate me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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