oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize