decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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