I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
