So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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