Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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