thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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