worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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