she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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