i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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