I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
