I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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