My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
