Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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