omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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