There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
