Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
