I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
