So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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