I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
