why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
