You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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