I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
