When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize