Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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