So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
