I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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