Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
