Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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