my vag is so smooth its legendary
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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