i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
