the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
