Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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