So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
