I need to stop coming to work sober
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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