when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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