Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
