i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She announced her abortion via fbk
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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