i would punch a child for taco bell
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
