like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
