just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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