We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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