I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
