Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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