Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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