Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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