you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize