Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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