K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
