Who wears a wallet chain?!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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